Monday, May 01, 2006
If Ive
If Ive.. Current mood: reflexive
If ive ever made you angry, i hope someday i can make it up to you.
If ive ever made you happy, i hope i can do it again.
If ive touched your life, then know you have touched mine.
If ive lost touch with you, please help me find you again.
If ive made mistakes, i will make amends.
Life is too short and someday i hope everyone can sit together in harmony and we can all raise a glass and revel in each other.
Just my two cents...
Comments-[ comments.]
If Ive.. Current mood: reflexive
If ive ever made you angry, i hope someday i can make it up to you.
If ive ever made you happy, i hope i can do it again.
If ive touched your life, then know you have touched mine.
If ive lost touch with you, please help me find you again.
If ive made mistakes, i will make amends.
Life is too short and someday i hope everyone can sit together in harmony and we can all raise a glass and revel in each other.
Just my two cents...
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Why?
Why do we enter into things that we know are wrong? We do we want what we cant have? Why do we have what we dont want? Why do i generalize we. Why do i do these things.
Should the conviction of those who have no hard decisions carry much weight?
Charity is easy when you have lots to give.
Giving a smile is free.
Ramble ramble...
Comments-[ comments.]
Why do we enter into things that we know are wrong? We do we want what we cant have? Why do we have what we dont want? Why do i generalize we. Why do i do these things.
Should the conviction of those who have no hard decisions carry much weight?
Charity is easy when you have lots to give.
Giving a smile is free.
Ramble ramble...
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Mistakes
I make mistakes. Sometimes they are big. Sometimes they hurt people. My apology for my mistakes are genuine and i feel bad that people get hurt. But i still seem to make mistakes. Not that i think i will ever stop making mistakes, but somehow i would hope to making less mistakes and less hurtful ones. Im not sure i really have a point to this but sigh i apologize to those i hurt.
Sometimes i dream of a world were people could just be real. But maybe that place doesnt exist. But the first place i can look is at myself. I have to be more real with everything and maybe i can forego making some of the mistakes.
Comments-[ comments.]
I make mistakes. Sometimes they are big. Sometimes they hurt people. My apology for my mistakes are genuine and i feel bad that people get hurt. But i still seem to make mistakes. Not that i think i will ever stop making mistakes, but somehow i would hope to making less mistakes and less hurtful ones. Im not sure i really have a point to this but sigh i apologize to those i hurt.
Sometimes i dream of a world were people could just be real. But maybe that place doesnt exist. But the first place i can look is at myself. I have to be more real with everything and maybe i can forego making some of the mistakes.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Death
Sometimes the thought of death freaks me out. Not the whole dying part, but the whole thats it part. This is the part where maybe if i was religous it wouldnt freak me out so much because id believe there is an afterlife. But as im not i dont. So whats in the end for me but the end. Makes me just want to suck as much life as i can out of everyday.... but then i dont... and i feel i jilted myself. But i get up each day and i try again...
Comments-[ comments.]
Sometimes the thought of death freaks me out. Not the whole dying part, but the whole thats it part. This is the part where maybe if i was religous it wouldnt freak me out so much because id believe there is an afterlife. But as im not i dont. So whats in the end for me but the end. Makes me just want to suck as much life as i can out of everyday.... but then i dont... and i feel i jilted myself. But i get up each day and i try again...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Reality
i am the devil and the angel all at once
Comments-[ comments.]
i am the devil and the angel all at once
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Butterfly Effect
So i just finished watching the Butterfly Effect, and amazingly it was really good. Who would have thought that i would think Ashton Kutcher did a pretty good acting job. In any case it became on of those epiphany type moments that i get. I had a recent one a few months back with Bruce Almighty as well.
In any case all the stuff makes me think of H and the paths that i took to lead me to where i am. In the end of the movie Ashton has to right everything as best he can and the only way he can do that is to let the girl totally go. And i can see the only way to totally let H be as happy as she can be is to let her go. My thoughts of returning to the glory that was us has to fade away. Because all that happens when we are together is that i cause her grief. And my full intent should be her happiness. Its been a long time since weve had any contact or even spoken and i do well to keep it that way. I just thought i would journal this thought so that i remind myself of my resolve to keep it that way. As much as it would make me happy to see her, i know it would make her sad.
Which brings me to Bruce Almighty, in that movie Jim Carrey last thought is that Grace should be happy and not that he be happy with Grace. Just that she would be happy. And in that vain he could give up of himself because he had caused her so much grief that he would rather she not be with him so as to make her happier. Granted he gets the girl in the end of that movie. But its my reality now and i know its better off for her if I dont get the girl.
And i know alot of the reason i would like to go back to the way we were is that i new who i as was when i was with her. There were no pretenses or laps in thought of who i was or wanted to be. Granted i was a self centered jerk, but at least i was honest to myself. Ive moved away from being that jerk now, such that i know ive learned alot since then. But i still struggle to find myself and figure out who i am. Ive debated for months on buying a new car. Ive thought about a G35 sports car, or a TL 4 door sedan. And i realize i find it sad that i cant decide which idea i like. or the fact that i dont like either one of them or what they represent. The G35 representing a fast and frivolous life or the sedan which relates to a standard yuppie life. And i know i cant decide between either because i dont know who i am. And i cant go back to who i was when i was with her, because even though i would know who i am, i know im a jerk, and one who was selfish and would take her for granted.
I dont expect any quick fix answer to find where i need to go, and ill trudge along with my daily existence, because i know she is happier and i will find my way and find myself again. Hopefully this time ill find myself a selfless person who would do well to treat her (whoever she may be) the way the new me wishes he did back then.
-phil
Comments-[ comments.]
So i just finished watching the Butterfly Effect, and amazingly it was really good. Who would have thought that i would think Ashton Kutcher did a pretty good acting job. In any case it became on of those epiphany type moments that i get. I had a recent one a few months back with Bruce Almighty as well.
In any case all the stuff makes me think of H and the paths that i took to lead me to where i am. In the end of the movie Ashton has to right everything as best he can and the only way he can do that is to let the girl totally go. And i can see the only way to totally let H be as happy as she can be is to let her go. My thoughts of returning to the glory that was us has to fade away. Because all that happens when we are together is that i cause her grief. And my full intent should be her happiness. Its been a long time since weve had any contact or even spoken and i do well to keep it that way. I just thought i would journal this thought so that i remind myself of my resolve to keep it that way. As much as it would make me happy to see her, i know it would make her sad.
Which brings me to Bruce Almighty, in that movie Jim Carrey last thought is that Grace should be happy and not that he be happy with Grace. Just that she would be happy. And in that vain he could give up of himself because he had caused her so much grief that he would rather she not be with him so as to make her happier. Granted he gets the girl in the end of that movie. But its my reality now and i know its better off for her if I dont get the girl.
And i know alot of the reason i would like to go back to the way we were is that i new who i as was when i was with her. There were no pretenses or laps in thought of who i was or wanted to be. Granted i was a self centered jerk, but at least i was honest to myself. Ive moved away from being that jerk now, such that i know ive learned alot since then. But i still struggle to find myself and figure out who i am. Ive debated for months on buying a new car. Ive thought about a G35 sports car, or a TL 4 door sedan. And i realize i find it sad that i cant decide which idea i like. or the fact that i dont like either one of them or what they represent. The G35 representing a fast and frivolous life or the sedan which relates to a standard yuppie life. And i know i cant decide between either because i dont know who i am. And i cant go back to who i was when i was with her, because even though i would know who i am, i know im a jerk, and one who was selfish and would take her for granted.
I dont expect any quick fix answer to find where i need to go, and ill trudge along with my daily existence, because i know she is happier and i will find my way and find myself again. Hopefully this time ill find myself a selfless person who would do well to treat her (whoever she may be) the way the new me wishes he did back then.
-phil
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Remiss
Do you ever feel like you could snap. LIke at any given moment you could just scream and start raging against the world. LIke at this moment i feel fine and i think the world is fine. But i know if something set me of i could just crumble. I could start up in a rage so loud and just yell at everything. and in the next moment i know i could just shrug and let it all go. or even just be so kind that i want to hug the world and try to hold back all its hurt and heal all its ills. I move along everyday but im not sure if this is the right path. but im not even sure which way i want to go. My life is full of activities with friends and family but i still dont feel fulfilled. And i know life is too short to worry about so many things. I should just be happy with life and move on. I just dont know where im moving along to. I miss H so much but i used to miss J so much that i stayed in a funk for years. And i know time will pass and H will be just a memory in the past. Almost as much as J has become. Dont get me wrong i still care for J but when i talk to her or see her i cant bring up those feelings anymore i dont know where they went i just know they left. It was a part of life that i grew out of. and i know i will grow out of thoughts of H. But where is my direction now? I dont really want to just float along. Id prefer some direction to take. My theory always was that i just need to find the girl... whoever she is. I mean ive done everything else. I have a good job, the house, the car, friends, family. But i know i should put that kind of pressure on any one person... unless that person is me. No person should be the end all be all of happiness. Maybe ive built a dream of H and me that is so unreachable nothing in my life will ever rise to that level. And then no matter who i meet or what i do i can never reach the level that my imagination has created. But to the same token i could meet someone new that creates a level even higher then ive currently imagined... which is possible since when i was with H i never thought it could be as good as the dreams i have now. Hmm.... thats so interestingly simple its almost unbelievable. And i wonder why i bother so much... ive had so many runs at different girls that i should be happy about the opportunities and not dwell in the failures. Ive made some good friends... ive lost some good friends. But im still alive. Tomorrow gives me another chance... but will i be faulted if i just left today to dwell and be remiss...
Comments-[ comments.]
Do you ever feel like you could snap. LIke at any given moment you could just scream and start raging against the world. LIke at this moment i feel fine and i think the world is fine. But i know if something set me of i could just crumble. I could start up in a rage so loud and just yell at everything. and in the next moment i know i could just shrug and let it all go. or even just be so kind that i want to hug the world and try to hold back all its hurt and heal all its ills. I move along everyday but im not sure if this is the right path. but im not even sure which way i want to go. My life is full of activities with friends and family but i still dont feel fulfilled. And i know life is too short to worry about so many things. I should just be happy with life and move on. I just dont know where im moving along to. I miss H so much but i used to miss J so much that i stayed in a funk for years. And i know time will pass and H will be just a memory in the past. Almost as much as J has become. Dont get me wrong i still care for J but when i talk to her or see her i cant bring up those feelings anymore i dont know where they went i just know they left. It was a part of life that i grew out of. and i know i will grow out of thoughts of H. But where is my direction now? I dont really want to just float along. Id prefer some direction to take. My theory always was that i just need to find the girl... whoever she is. I mean ive done everything else. I have a good job, the house, the car, friends, family. But i know i should put that kind of pressure on any one person... unless that person is me. No person should be the end all be all of happiness. Maybe ive built a dream of H and me that is so unreachable nothing in my life will ever rise to that level. And then no matter who i meet or what i do i can never reach the level that my imagination has created. But to the same token i could meet someone new that creates a level even higher then ive currently imagined... which is possible since when i was with H i never thought it could be as good as the dreams i have now. Hmm.... thats so interestingly simple its almost unbelievable. And i wonder why i bother so much... ive had so many runs at different girls that i should be happy about the opportunities and not dwell in the failures. Ive made some good friends... ive lost some good friends. But im still alive. Tomorrow gives me another chance... but will i be faulted if i just left today to dwell and be remiss...
