Nothing to lose

Connection

I believe when you meet someone your always trying to reach that connection with the other person. The connection that makes you fall for them. And a few times ive tried to force the connection and it just never came. And sometimes i try so hard that i fool myself into believeing there is a connection. I know what the signs are for me and sometimes i just lie to myself. And probably the biggest sign to me is if i touch their face. If we just happen to be sitting somewhere I will generally run my hand around their face maybe moving a hair out of the way or something. I find those moments the best. Where im looking right at her face. And i truly look into her eyes and i try to make a mental image of the moment, of her face. So i have something to look back on and keep me going through the day when she's not around.

Odd

So its odd. I thought i would post some of my old writings online. But as i read through them i didnt feel like the words were relevant anymore. Most of the stuff is about H and its been so long since I knew what the words meant that i dont have much feeling in them anymore. So they seemed totally worthless to put into a blog. Go figure someone who meant so much to me it felt like death without her, now means so little to me.

I find it sad that sometimes we have to walk away from the past to get to the future. I still hear songs or something that reminds me of her. But i have no idea what the feelings are. I just know they used to be there. Now all i have are the memories but i cant remember why i remember them. Because i cant put myself back in the moment and the feelings i had. Or maybe i just dont want to and its a defense mechanism. Is the the power of time to dull the pain, and also dull the pleasure? Because its seems like time is fading both.

Im still in the rut. and i wonder what im doing. Im still going to work and doing my job just wondering what the point of it all is. Its not that my life is bad or anything. Its actually pretty good is standard measurements. Im just not sure this is what i want. Not that i know what i want but i dont think this is it.

Nothing insightful today so another one of my poems from the past

As i sleep i feel this struggle.
When i wake i feel its even double.
The world isnt for the weak of heart.
Dollar here a doller there never stop the nightmare.

The struggles never end.
When one dies another begins.
Fighting ever constantly.
Will not let this world conquer me.

Million dollar dreams are dashed each day.
We pay the piper constantly.
Sacrificed our beauty for money.
Then spend money on beauty.

To the grind we take our lives.
Never knowing or asking why.
We shuttle through our daily lives.
Seeking peace in each others eyes.

God is not your friend today.
You sold your soul the other day.
You gave up on the love of life.
To find yourself a bigger prize.

Now crawl with me and we will fight.
Claim our souls back from the night.

Well its been a while but im going to try and get back into this. I miss the outlet plus i miss the community. So as usual im contemplating what im doing with my life. I mean i have most of the parts i have good friends, great family, my own home, a good job. So whats wrong? I feel like its just not right im not sure what i really want. I use to think that if i found the right girl that would set things right. But i know thats not the answer either. I know it has something much more to do with me. There are times when i dont like the life im living. I dont like being the go to guy at work i dont like being the safe reliable one. Im not a specimen for coporate america. But from the outside i look perfect for it. No one would believe im anything but a corporate drone. I dress the part very well.

But there is the other part of me. Where i would like to have green hair and where black clothes and just freak people out. But i know i dont totally want that either because i dont particularly like the attention. But i dont like being in the normal flow of things that normalcy is. I enjoy non mainstream music and the like, i like non mainstream things. But i live such a mainstream life. But i dont want to leave the safety haven of my mainstream life. Its become so comfortable to me im not sure if i could totally leave it.

Which all means that i dont know much of where i am or where im going, or really what im doing now.

Anyways i found a note i wrote to myself one night and i wanted to post it to remind myself of the thought...

You cant live in the faded glory of the past.
Once the game is over its over.
You cant replay that game.
Just have to find a new glory in a new game.