Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Reality
i am the devil and the angel all at once
Comments-[ comments.]
i am the devil and the angel all at once
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Butterfly Effect
So i just finished watching the Butterfly Effect, and amazingly it was really good. Who would have thought that i would think Ashton Kutcher did a pretty good acting job. In any case it became on of those epiphany type moments that i get. I had a recent one a few months back with Bruce Almighty as well.
In any case all the stuff makes me think of H and the paths that i took to lead me to where i am. In the end of the movie Ashton has to right everything as best he can and the only way he can do that is to let the girl totally go. And i can see the only way to totally let H be as happy as she can be is to let her go. My thoughts of returning to the glory that was us has to fade away. Because all that happens when we are together is that i cause her grief. And my full intent should be her happiness. Its been a long time since weve had any contact or even spoken and i do well to keep it that way. I just thought i would journal this thought so that i remind myself of my resolve to keep it that way. As much as it would make me happy to see her, i know it would make her sad.
Which brings me to Bruce Almighty, in that movie Jim Carrey last thought is that Grace should be happy and not that he be happy with Grace. Just that she would be happy. And in that vain he could give up of himself because he had caused her so much grief that he would rather she not be with him so as to make her happier. Granted he gets the girl in the end of that movie. But its my reality now and i know its better off for her if I dont get the girl.
And i know alot of the reason i would like to go back to the way we were is that i new who i as was when i was with her. There were no pretenses or laps in thought of who i was or wanted to be. Granted i was a self centered jerk, but at least i was honest to myself. Ive moved away from being that jerk now, such that i know ive learned alot since then. But i still struggle to find myself and figure out who i am. Ive debated for months on buying a new car. Ive thought about a G35 sports car, or a TL 4 door sedan. And i realize i find it sad that i cant decide which idea i like. or the fact that i dont like either one of them or what they represent. The G35 representing a fast and frivolous life or the sedan which relates to a standard yuppie life. And i know i cant decide between either because i dont know who i am. And i cant go back to who i was when i was with her, because even though i would know who i am, i know im a jerk, and one who was selfish and would take her for granted.
I dont expect any quick fix answer to find where i need to go, and ill trudge along with my daily existence, because i know she is happier and i will find my way and find myself again. Hopefully this time ill find myself a selfless person who would do well to treat her (whoever she may be) the way the new me wishes he did back then.
-phil
Comments-[ comments.]
So i just finished watching the Butterfly Effect, and amazingly it was really good. Who would have thought that i would think Ashton Kutcher did a pretty good acting job. In any case it became on of those epiphany type moments that i get. I had a recent one a few months back with Bruce Almighty as well.
In any case all the stuff makes me think of H and the paths that i took to lead me to where i am. In the end of the movie Ashton has to right everything as best he can and the only way he can do that is to let the girl totally go. And i can see the only way to totally let H be as happy as she can be is to let her go. My thoughts of returning to the glory that was us has to fade away. Because all that happens when we are together is that i cause her grief. And my full intent should be her happiness. Its been a long time since weve had any contact or even spoken and i do well to keep it that way. I just thought i would journal this thought so that i remind myself of my resolve to keep it that way. As much as it would make me happy to see her, i know it would make her sad.
Which brings me to Bruce Almighty, in that movie Jim Carrey last thought is that Grace should be happy and not that he be happy with Grace. Just that she would be happy. And in that vain he could give up of himself because he had caused her so much grief that he would rather she not be with him so as to make her happier. Granted he gets the girl in the end of that movie. But its my reality now and i know its better off for her if I dont get the girl.
And i know alot of the reason i would like to go back to the way we were is that i new who i as was when i was with her. There were no pretenses or laps in thought of who i was or wanted to be. Granted i was a self centered jerk, but at least i was honest to myself. Ive moved away from being that jerk now, such that i know ive learned alot since then. But i still struggle to find myself and figure out who i am. Ive debated for months on buying a new car. Ive thought about a G35 sports car, or a TL 4 door sedan. And i realize i find it sad that i cant decide which idea i like. or the fact that i dont like either one of them or what they represent. The G35 representing a fast and frivolous life or the sedan which relates to a standard yuppie life. And i know i cant decide between either because i dont know who i am. And i cant go back to who i was when i was with her, because even though i would know who i am, i know im a jerk, and one who was selfish and would take her for granted.
I dont expect any quick fix answer to find where i need to go, and ill trudge along with my daily existence, because i know she is happier and i will find my way and find myself again. Hopefully this time ill find myself a selfless person who would do well to treat her (whoever she may be) the way the new me wishes he did back then.
-phil
